So They Said
by Dizzcity
Summary: Just some light, humorous sketches of characters and situations in Naruto. A certain character's search for love... and the various twists and turns that accompany it. COMPLETE!
1. So They Said

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, nor the characters depicted in it. That's on my to-do list somewhere, though.

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**So They Said**

What a cute couple, they said. They were perfect for each other, they said. It was a match made in Heaven, they said. _It may have been made in Heaven, but it's Hell on earth for me_.

Kakashi leapt from building to building, running as fast as he could. If only he could get to that place in time… he could find a way to sneak in. They might not find him there.

Suddenly, a figure loomed out of darkness of a side alley.

"What's the matter, Kakashi?" Anko drawled. "Are you scared to face them?" She waved in the direction of Kakashi's pursuers, drawing their attention. "He's over here!" she hollered, before setting out to chase after the rapidly-retreating ninja. Kakashi swore silently under his breath. He had no time to waste trying to convince her that it was pointless. That issue had been settled a long time ago.

Of course, they just _had_ to invite him to the wedding, to show off. And when he refused, he got threats from the bride and heaped scorn from the groom. They didn't give up, though. They used everyone against him – the Hokage, his own former students, the author of his favourite books – everyone. They even sent _Ibiki_, of all people, to convince him to come. Even Kakashi couldn't hold out for long against that mental sadist. He had been forced to capitulate. They had dragged him kicking and screaming to the wedding. That was the first time he had ever shown so much emotion in public.

Kakashi had passed the outer edges of the village's ramparts and was now trying to clear a path through the forest canopy as fast as he could. He had used all his nin-dogs to try and delay the pursuit, but it was no use. They were simply too strong for the dogs to hold back.

A figure was outlined in the training field. It whipped around swiftly and intercepted him. Fuzzy eyebrows stood face-to-face with him, and green-clad arms blocked his path. "There's no backing out now, Kakashi. You have to face him. It's the meeting of a lifetime!" Pearly-white teeth managed to flash, even in the setting sun's light. Kakashi grunted and sped away in a different direction, followed closely by fuzzy-brows and Anko. His original pursuers were catching up too.

What made it worse were the children. Bad enough that he had been forced to watch them seal their vows to each other, in their own unique style. But when you started to add offspring into the mix, it was horrific. Of course, part of it had been fun. There were quite a few eyebrows raised when the first child was born 7 months after the wedding – and NOT premature. Kakashi had teased them about it then, rubbing it in unmercifully. It all came back to haunt him now.

Which parent would he take after, they asked? What will he grow up to look like? Hokage-sama had even opened a _book_ on the child, taking anything from even odds to 50 to 1. No one expected that he would combine _both_ of their personalities. Kakashi shuddered at the memory. One was bad enough. He was very talented, they said. The makings of a great ninja, they said. Had he been the only one to face the negative outcome of this?

Probably.

Kakashi was growing tired. He had been running and dodging for nearly four hours straight now, and his body wasn't as young as it used to be. Wheezing slightly, he ground to a halt. It was best to face it now, and get it over with. That's what his students always told him. Just like pulling a very painful tooth.

"Kakashi!" a loud voice boomed, as a man carrying two children on his back dropped into the small clearing. Anko and Lee collected a child each, went to the sidelines and started cheerleading. "My eternal rival!"

"Go, Gai-sensei! This time, I know you will be able to defeat him!" Lee yelled, pumping his fists into the air.

"Go father! You're the best! Maito Gai can do ANYTHING!" Fuzzy-brows worked up and down on the boy's excited face, and small white teeth flashed in a brilliant smile.

The little girl next to him put both thumbs up as a sign of support. She had fuzzy brows too. "Make him bleed, father!" she voiced in a tiny, cute, and incredibly vicious squeak. Kakashi groaned inwardly. Anko smiled – evilly. Very…evilly.

"Go, my love! For my sake, you shall win this match! And if you do, I'll treat you to something _special_ when we get back home tonight…" she teased.

Gai turned a slight red, but kept his eyes focused firmly on Kakashi's face.

"Kakashi, my eternal rival! Today is the day of our 1,000th contest! And, in front of my favourite student, my lovely wife and my adorable children, I cannot lose to you!" He gave them all a big thumbs up and a flashy grin, which sent all of them into further hysterics.

Kakashi swore a thousand years of painful torture on the idiot who set up a blind date between Anko and Gai.

* * *

Somewhere in the middle of an interrogation, Morino Ibiki sneezed. 


	2. Most Eligible Bachelor

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto, would these sort of things REALLY happen? Be thankful that I don't.

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**Most Eligible Bachelor**

Morino Ibiki – No.1 Rookie of his year, expert in psychological warfare, master of pain and torture, veteran Special Jounin for nineteen years, leader of ANBU's Torture and Interrogation Squad – screamed like a girl. That had been confirmed by everyone within a five-block radius of his house that morning. As for the reason behind the scream, everyone within a five-block radius knew that too. As did the rest of the villagers. As did all of those who wandered into Konoha Village that day. As did a certain masked Jounin, who had sat hidden in the shadows of the corridor near the entrance to Ibiki's apartment, watching the scene unfold before him.

"Morino Ibiki, the bringer of our happiness! The cause of our marital bliss! The uniter of two lonely hearts! Your salvation is here!" Gai was practically dancing with joy in front of the scarred – and scared – special Jounin, slapping him on the back every now and then. Ibiki winced with every slap. Behind him, Anko, Lee, and the two Maito children were nodding great encouragement, flashing thumbs up and sending him sparkling grins.

"What do you want from me, Maito?" he growled. He had _not_ woken up on the right side of bed this morning. And seeing all those horrible – he still shuddered at the horror of it. To have the Leaf's most enthusiastic family (and Lee) call on him first thing in the morning was almost too much to bear. Luckily, he had been trained to be patient, and to withstand punishment of all sorts. Well, _almost_ any sort of punishment.

Kakashi chuckled quietly at the sight of Ibiki's face. He had spent many long and tiring hours racking his brains for something that even the master of torture would find distinctly unpleasant. Convincing Gai and Anko to go along had been easy, though. They actually believed it was good for him. Now all he had to do was watch, while they threw themselves into the role with typical gusto.

"Nothing, my dearest friend! I don't want anything _from_ you! I want to _give_ you something!" Gai exclaimed happily, as he hugged Anko close to him. "I have just come to the realisation that while you were responsible for bringing the love of my life into my arms, you have no one to keep _you_ company, in the long and cold winter nights!"

"What!" Ibiki grunted. "I only set you two up because I wanted to get her off my back."

"That's not very nice, Ibiki," Anko frowned. Then she smiled happily, and even slightly dizzily, at her husband. "But I forgive you. He's far more worth it than you."

"Nevertheless, my friend – the bringer of our love shall not go unrewarded! It is time that I repaid you the favour! Anko and I have dedicated ourselves to this cause! We shall find you a wife worthy of your noble and romantic heart!" Kakashi waited for it… he wanted to savour this moment. Everything slowed down as Gai's arm rose dramatically. His legs were standing akimbo. His mouth started to widen. The sunlight burst through the shades covering the window and reflected off pearly whites. The bushy eyebrows went up. Then, the thumb. The dreaded… horrifying… irrevocable – Nice Guy Pose. "It's a promise of a lifetime!"

Kakashi grinned under his mask. Morino Ibiki had never been on the receiving end of one of those before. _Now let's see how _he _handles it. _Sweet, sweet revenge flooded through his heart.

"What!" Ibiki growled menacingly, grabbing Gai by the scruff of his bright green jumpsuit "Were _you _the ones responsible for THAT!" He pointed out the window at the horrors he had woken up to.

"It's all part of the plan," Gai assured him, seemingly unfazed by the aura of imminent and painful death that hung around Ibiki at the moment. "First, we start with a small publicity campaign, just to let the ladies know that you're available and looking."

"You call THAT a _small publicity campaign_?" Ibiki was almost at the point of shrieking with rage. Kakashi could barely hold in the laughter. From door to door and wall to wall, posters of Ibiki covered the buildings of Konoha, decorating almost every square inch of bare space available. He had helped to put them up himself. Of course, all the work of designing them had been done by Gai and family. He looked down at the sheaf of papers he still held in his hands.

**MORINO IBIKI! **

**WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FACE! KONOHA VILLAGE'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS NOW LOOKING FOR A BRIDE TO SHARE THE ETERNAL HAPPINESS OF MARITAL BLISS WITH HIM. LADIES, PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER! REMEMBER, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!**

This poster had a picture of Ibiki with his forehead protector off, showing his scarred head. It had taken Gai several days of tailing Ibiki around the village with a camera before he had been able to obtain the perfect shot he wanted.

**MORINO IBIKI!  
**

**HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN BLEED AND STILL FEEL GOOD! ONE MOMENT OF PAIN, ONE LIFETIME OF PLEASURE! KONOHA'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS NOW LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL TO SHARE HIS "TECHNIQUES" WITH.**

That one had been pure Anko. Kakashi had nearly choked the first time he had read it. Sometimes, he wondered about that woman…

**MORINO IBIKI!**

**HE KNOWS YOUR MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS. SPECIAL JOUNIN, AND VETERAN OF A THOUSAND BATTLES – LADIES, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO FEAR, WITH HIM BY YOUR SIDE! MATCHMAKER OF MAITO GAI AND MITARASHI ANKO, A HIDDEN ROMANTIC TRAPPED UNDER THAN TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME EXTERIOR. NOW THE TIME TO SEE WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THAT COOL FACE HE SHOWS TO WORLD. KONOHA'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR IS LOOKING FOR A PARTNER TO SHARE HIS LIFE WITH.**

At least Lee had been slightly wiser than his sensei. He had gone to Sakura for help in the phrasing of the message. Of course, Kakashi was now doubting the sanity of his former student in agreeing to help. But that was Sakura. There was a hidden sadist rivalling Ibiki underneath that all that pink, fluffy hair.

Gai was now being throttled slowly by Ibiki, flopping around bonelessly in the larger man's steel grip. Anko, instead of rushing to save her husband, was squatting down beside her children and pointing out Ibiki's methods, instructing them to pay close attention so that they could learn to do the same eventually. Both children were wide-eyed in awe.

Kakashi grinned as he slipped away to put up more posters. This was going to be fun.


	3. Administration Of Love

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. I'm tired of explaining why.

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**  
Administration of Love**

"I see," Tsunade said. She struggled to hide a grin at the fuming ninja standing before her. On normal days, Ibiki wasn't in a very good mood anyway. Today, his mood could be described as one of the lower pits of Hell. Gai's battered body, which had been dragged into her office by the offended shinobi, gave ample testimony to that. Even now, he was emitting a continual chain of soft groans as he struggled to remain on two feet.

"Well, the poster campaign _was_ a bit excessive, I would say," she agreed affably, smiling at them both. "After all, we can't post pictures of one of our top Jounin all over Konoha. What would our clients say?"

"Exactly my point, Hokage-sama," the scarred man's deep voice rumbled. "He has –"

"But even though the method may not have been the best, his motive was noble, though," she cut him off. Ibiki's face started to darken with suspicion. "Gai's right, Ibiki. You've been alone for far too long. If you wait any further, I may have to find another person to be my Torture and Interrogation captain."

The scowl on Ibiki's face defied description. Tsunade smiled openly at him now.

"I hereby order you to take 2 months' leave, in order to find a suitable wife for yourself."

"Hokage-sama, I must protest –"

"Just do it, Ibiki," she cut him off again. "Your job is one of the most dangerous, psychologically-speaking. If you don't have happier influences in the form of family, you may eventually become too unbalanced to sustain this role. It'll be good for you." She grinned even further. "Trust me on this."

He had no choice. "I…will obey your orders, Hokage-sama," he ground out through gritted teeth. Gai was elated – in an exhausted-looking way.

"Good!" Her smile was so transparently self-satisfied and mischievous, it was annoying to watch. "I'll tell Izumo and Kotetsu to help you in your search. They have access to all the information in our ninja database. Maybe they will be able to offer some assistance. Go and see them afterwards."

Ibiki made a last, desperate attempt. "May I ask who you are going to assign to my position during my leave of absence?" he asked, hoping that she wouldn't have anyone in mind, and hence cancel his leave. Duty was duty, after all, and his job was an important one.

She studied him, then let her eyes flicker over to Gai. Her face brightened even further. "I have an idea."

* * *

Ibiki barely restrained himself from slamming the door behind him as he dragged Maito Gai out of the Hokage's office. Snarling, he gripped the younger man's suit and spun him to face his wrathful countenance. "This is all your fault, Maito. When I get through with this, I'm going to make sure that you wish you had never been born" he hissed.

The fuzzy-eyebrowed man winced slightly. Then, the thought of painfully-sacrificing himself for such a noble cause apparently started to cheer him up. Within moments, Maito Gai was back to his usual personality and determined to repay his 'debt'. Ibiki watched it all happening and groaned inwardly.

"Ha ha! Don't worry, Morino Ibiki! I'm sure that a wife such as the one that we will find you will be able to change your anger into joy! You will no longer wish to kill me if I can bring you to the greatest happiness that is known to mankind!" Gai flashed him a smile through all the bruises. Everyone in the vicinity of the Hokage's office stared.

Muttering under his breath, Ibiki dragged the over-enthusiastic ninja to the administrative complex where Kotetsu and Izumo worked. He threw open the door to the complex with a bang. Normally, he would never be so demonstrative of his emotions. But today's events had pushed him past the limits of his endurance. Izumo looked up, unsurprised at his appearance.

"Ah, Ibiki! I heard from Hokage-sama that you're looking for a wife now," he said, as nonchalantly as he could. Ibiki merely growled and nodded. Once. Sharply. Gai, of course, disengaged himself from the other man's grip and started to explain the situation – at full volume and enthusiasm – to the entire population of the admin building. Most of them already knew, having seen the posters on the way to work. Several chuckled, while other tried to hide their smiles with varying degrees of success.

Kotetsu looked up from where he and several Kage Bunshins were quickly filling out forms in quadruplicate. "So how can we help you, Ibiki?"

Ibiki paused for a moment. He had never really given the whole marriage question much thought before. Most of it had been attempts to _avoid_ marriage. "Just find me a _kunoichi_ that I can live with," he said, reluctantly. Further explosions of mirth were heard. Even Gai smirked at him. "What!" he roared, annoyed.

"That's … um… not exactly the way you go about looking for a match," Izumo commented, grinning. He beckoned to a corner which held the most up-to-date computer that the admin department had gotten. "Come on, I'll walk you through the process."

Ibiki then spent the next three hours being grilled by Gai, Izumo and Kotetsu about his likes, dislikes – be more specific, please! – interests, hobbies, and life habits. At the end of it all, he breathed a sigh of relief. And he thought that _his_ interrogation methods were a bit intense. _Intense!_ He snorted. He should have just sent his victims over to the Admin building. They could do a far better job of working over a subject than he could. He brightened slightly. If nothing else, this experience had already given him a chance to learn some new ways of interrogating people. Even professionals could learn from amateurs sometimes.

"Well, that's the last of it," Kotetsu said, as he pressed the Enter key. "I've input all of your data into our Matchmaker v.4.0 program and started a search through the _kunoichi_ database. Soon we should be able to get a list of all the girls in this village who share similar interests to yours."

Izumo sent a doubtful look at Ibiki. "Are you sure you like pets? You never struck me as the animal-loving type."

"They're good for practicing torture methods on," Ibiki answered absently, his eyes focused on the progress bar being displayed on the monitor. "There's a shortage of human corpses – and besides, it was forbidden to experiment on humans after what Orochimaru did." Izumo smacked his forehead.

The computer beeped. All four ninja leaned in closer to view the results.

"Hmm… not bad. 4 likely matches, with probabilities of 72, 80, 86 and 94," Kotetsu translated. "Wow, a 94! That's extremely rare. Most likely, that person would be your soulmate. Let's see who it is." He pressed a few more buttons to bring up the ninja's profile.

"At last, Ibiki! With the help of modern technology and your fellow shinobi, your hidden dreams will be fulfilled at last, and you shall find your soulmate!" Ibiki stretched out an arm to prevent a teary-eyed Gai from hugging him.

The profile of the 94 match came up. Everyone stared in shock. Ibiki's head was whirling. _Was THAT why I had been given leave? Is there an ulterior motive to this?_

"There… there must be some mistake…" Izumo stammered. "Maybe you forgot to enter some variable, or set a limit or something, Kotetsu…" His voice trailed off as the others nodded in mute agreement.

The door banged open behind them, startling them all out of their stunned disbelief. Tsunade strode into the room, spotted the group of male ninja huddled over the computer, and walked over to them.

"Ahh… at last, all that paperwork's done!" she stretched her arms and massaged them as she neared. "Ibiki! I came to check up on how your search for a wife was progressing." She waited for a response, but got irritated when they all stood gape-mouthed, eyes flickering between her and the screen. She stood on tip-toe and peered at the profile displayed on the computer's monitor.

"Hey!" she demanded. "Why are you guys looking at my picture?"


	4. Torture and Interrogation

**Disclaimer: **You know. I really only need to say it once, right?

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**  
Torture and Interrogation**

"Nothing personal, mind you," she said, smiling brightly at the captive. "I'm pretty new at all this, so please bear with me if I make any mistakes. Our Torture and Interrogation Captain is on leave today, so we're filling in for him." The captive felt a little bit of his tension release. He had heard stories about Konoha Village's legendary Morino Ibiki… stories that had made his blood curdle. Not having to face that man, but a relative beginner instead, made him grimly pleased.

Her companion gestured irritably. "Let's just get on with this. We've got better things to do than to stay around here and wait for him to talk." Pale eyes glared at the man strung defiantly across the rack.

"Don't be such a spoilsport, Neji," the woman said amiably to the glowering man beside her. "I haven't gotten a chance to really practise my interrogation skills since the time I accidentally killed that old guy."

The prisoner gritted his teeth. Then again, relative beginners could make stupid mistakes like that. He had sworn a solemn vow never to reveal the information they were trying to get out of him. "I won't tell you anything. You can do anything you want to me, but I won't break!" he spat out. _So there._

"No, no… I think it was because you were trying too hard," the white-eyed man was telling the woman.

"Oh really? You think so? What exactly did I do wrong?"

"Well for starters…" the white-eyed man began, but then stopped short and looked over at the prisoner. "I'm sorry… did you say something?"

The prisoner's eyes widened. They weren't even paying attention to him!

"Anyway, Neji… did you hear about Sakura and Naruto getting together?" the woman in the Chinese blouse was asking the man. The white-eyed man's attention was immediately diverted before the prisoner could respond.

"It's just a rumour," he dismissed it casually. "According to my cousin, it was just one date, and only because they had nothing else to do at the time."

The prisoner was having a strange sense of unreality. Wasn't he supposed to be screaming in agony and resisting the temptation to reveal everything under the duress of pain at the moment? He had spent months training himself for high pain tolerance, and resistance to truth drugs. Why were his would-be torturers gossiping about ninja love lives in front of him?

The moments ticked by as the prisoner became intimately acquainted with every minute bit of information regarding Konoha Village's romantic scene. He had never known – or _wanted_ to know – how complicated shinobi love relationships could be. Now, he was being forced to listen to the incessant drone of that female's voice, chattering on and on about one pair after another. After about two hours or so, the white-eyed man – Neji – looked at his watch.

"We're going to have to cut this short… I've got a date in half an hour's time," he murmured. The prisoner almost breathed a sigh of relief. 30 more minutes, and it would all be over. Neji gestured to the woman. "Tenten."

"Right!" she bounced up brightly, drawing senbon from the pouch at her side. "Just tell me where, Neji."

The prisoner braced himself. It looked like things were finally going to become unpleasant for him. He began trying to recall all the mental procedures he had primed himself with upon entering the torture chamber, but his mind refused to cooperate. Instead, his thoughts veered off to the date between Naruto and Sakura, and how Asuma and Kurenai were caught exchanging a kiss in one of the hidden shelters, and a very interesting video tape featuring Gai and Anko's exploits in bed, and what he would do if he were in Shikamaru's position, and…

Only as the senbon entered the pressure points in his body did he realise that the two hours of gossip had been an elaborate trick to distract him and reduce his concentration. He gasped with pain, but also with the shock of it all. Then he felt his muscles relaxing.

"We knew you had been trained to withstand interrogation by normal methods," Tenten informed him smugly. "So we had to resort to unorthodox methods." The prisoner was again wracked with pain as Neji's fingers began to systematically send chakra into his system. Suddenly, though, it was all over, and the pain subsided.

"Do you know what happens when a person's chakra flow is reversed while his pressure points are blocked?" the white-eyed man asked softly. The prisoner could only stare at him as an unfamiliar feeling started to course through his body. "It's an ancient technique developed by my ancestors – on par with Konoha Village's 1,000 Years of Pain Ancient Taijutsu Technique."

The prisoner started to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And couldn't stop laughing. Every one of his nerves tingled with ticklish sensations. He gasped and wheezed with the effort to suck in air in order to continue laughing. Neji smirked.

"Let's go," he addressed his companion over the shrieks of laughter emitted by the prisoner. "By the time he stops laughing, he'll be too exhausted to hide anything from us. No one has ever withstood the Hyuuga Hands of Happiness technique."

She arched an eyebrow. "Hyuuga Hands of Happiness?"

"My ancestor was drunk at the time he invented it," Neji grimaced. "You really don't want to know the details."

She nodded and they left the laughing captive to amuse himself.

"In retrospect, it's a good thing that we had Gai-sensei as our teacher and Lee as our teammate. I would never have been able to pull off that kind of behaviour without their examples." Tenten commented.

Neji nodded. "I learned from observing Kakashi's reactions during their contests too." He checked his watch again as they emerged from the building's doorway into the evening sunlight. "Good, we still have twenty minutes to get there."

Tenten glanced sideways at her erstwhile partner in interrogation and asked, "So which restaurant are you taking me to this time?"


	5. The Induction Ceremony

**Disclaimer: **I'm bored. You all know the drill. I don't own Naruto.

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**The Induction Ceremony**

Today was the day.

Konohamaru stepped into the secluded forest clearing where his predecessors awaited him. They were all dressed in formal outfits, with faces suitably sober for the solemn occasion. It had been a long time in coming. He had spent days – no, months – working on his techniques and perfecting them. It was his greatest triumph to date that he was able to finally be accepted as a full member of the League that his grandfather had founded (or so it was rumoured).

Konohamaru looked at the faces gathered around him in a circle. It was a small group, but he knew them all. He then looked up at the Hokage Monument, carved into the cliff face high above the village. _Old man_, he thought. _If only you could speak to me now, what would you say? Would you be proud of me? I'm following in your footsteps, you know. You were the first. This is my way of honouring you, too._

Konohamaru smiled with the memory of his grandfather. A small tear formed at the corner of his eye. Finally, after so many years since his grandfather had retired from the League due to old age, a Sarutobi would once again take his rightful position as a full-fledged member. Konohamaru remembered it oh so clearly. He had first found out through Naruto, after the older ninja had gotten back from his training. The League was one of Konoha's best kept secrets, of course. Very few people knew about it – only its own members and their sponsored candidates for acceptance.

His grandfather, the Sandaime Hokage, had founded the League. He had been one of the best… out of the 1,000 techniques he knew as "The Professor", fully one-quarter of them qualified him to be a member of the League. Jiraiya, his best student, had learned a lot from him, and carried on the tradition after the Sandaime had married.

Although the Sandaime was the best, he was very quiet about it… and it was not until Jiraiya took over the leadership that it became more publicly known. A wave of potential members wrote in to him, responding to his publications, asking for more information. He had rejected most of them, finding them not inventive enough. To be a member of the League, one must first invent a technique worthy of being included in the League's repertoire. Half-hearted imitations got you nowhere. It took hard work and sweat – lots of sweat – to master these techniques. One or two he had found promising, and had established branches of the League in the towns or cities he had travelled through. Konoha was still the main headquarters though.

Of course, although Jiraiya was the overall President of the League, Kakashi maintained the Konoha branch. Kakashi wasn't very outstanding, at first. He was only mediocre… more interested in copying techniques than inventing his own. It was only after a long-term undercover mission to the red-light district that he came into his true powers. Sharingan-based doujutsu and genjutsu could be very powerful. Kakashi's newfound techniques earned him the respect of his peers, and full induction into the League. Of course, most of the techniques he invented during that time couldn't be done without the Sharingan, but there were still a couple of normal genjutsu that could be used.

Naruto was a natural-born genius. His sheer inventiveness had manifested at a young age, coming up with techniques such as the Harem-no-Jutsu. It had later developed into even more profound ninjutsu. Konohamaru hoped that one day, he would be able to surpass his mentor's efforts. It was Naruto, of course, who had first spotted his raw talent, and had taught him the basic techniques. Later on, he had recommended him to Jiraiya, who had set Konohamaru a test – a test that took him nearly two years to complete. But finally, Konohamaru had succeeded in developing his own brand of perverted ninjutsu.

And today was his induction ceremony into the League of Extraordinary Perverts.

* * *

After the ceremony was over, Kakashi sidled over to his superior.

"Are you busy?" he murmured. "I have a couple of things to discuss with you."

Jiraiya frowned over the statistics chart he held in his hand. "Our recruitment adverts on the backs of my Icha Icha novels aren't doing so well. We seem to be getting only moderate replies – nothing truly hardcore anymore." He looked up and sighed. "Well, never mind. What is it you have to discuss with me?"

Kakashi held up two fingers and ticked one off. "First, I'm thinking of recommending Anko as a potential member of the League. I think she's got a lot of raw talent. Did you see the tape of her and Gai that's been travelling around?"

"Of course I've seen it. Who do you think stole it from their house in the first place?" Jiraiya snorted. "But that alone doesn't qualify her. She needs to make a Significant Contribution to the Development of Perverted Ninjutsu before she can be accepted."

"Well, let me at least try to recruit her as a student," Kakashi asked. "Her posters of Ibiki were pretty good – I think she's got enough inventiveness to handle it."

"She wrote the one about the techniques?"

Kakashi nodded.

"Okay then, she's got potential," Jiraiya approved. "All right, I'll give my permission. What's the second thing?"

Kakashi grinned under his mask.

"I just came from the Admin building. Do you want to know who Ibiki's perfect match is?"


	6. Back Alley Meeting

**Disclaimer: **I shouldn't need to say it anymore, but it's becoming a bad habit. I don't own Naruto.

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**  
Back Alley Meeting**

"He's too young for you!"

"So what! Love transcends age barriers!"

"I won't allow it!"

"May I remind you that I AM THE HOKAGE! Who are you to tell me whether I'm allowed to do something or not?"

"But Tsunade…" Jiraiya whined.

"No buts! The computer program showed that he was a very good match for me," Tsunade cut him off. She softened, staring off into the distance. "Maybe, after so long… Dan would be happy… I guess."

"No, no, no, no…" Jiraiya moaned, holding his head in his hands. It reminded her oddly of Naruto when he knew he was in trouble. She smirked slightly.

"Then again," she muttered thoughtfully. "There's no guarantee that Ibiki would find me attractive. He practically ran out of the Admin complex yesterday. Maybe he has someone else in mind…"

Jiraiya was nodding vigorously. "Yes, yes, I'm sure that's it. There must be plenty of other girls out there that would be much prettier, or younger, or better than you –" His eyes widened as he just realised what he said, and was met with a punch that shot him into the wall. "Oww…"

Tsunade shook her head grimly and snorted, "Idiot. Well, we'll see. If Ibiki doesn't seem to have anyone else in mind, and comes to see me, then I won't refuse him."

Jiraiya got up, and carefully nodded, holding out his hands to placate her, "Yes, yes… that's it. Wait for him to come to you. Don't go chasing after him – that's unwomanly." With that, he rushed out of her office before she had time to reply.

Tsunade permitted herself a small smile. Even after all this time, the old fool was still in love with her. That made him so easy to manipulate. She sighed and went back to the desk. Being Hokage sure was tough sometimes – but it was fun, too.

* * *

Ibiki looked around nervously as he took the back alleys instead of his normal route through Konoha Village. It was rare to find the Special Jounin in a mood other than darkly sober, but in this case, the circumstances justified it. At any moment now…

A hand clamped onto his shoulder, and he stiffened.

"Ibiki!" a voice boomed. Ibiki heaved a sigh of relief and turned around to face Gai. Normally, Maito Gai would be the _last_ person he wanted to meet. However, as of yesterday, there were now two other people in whose company he would feel distinctly more uncomfortable. One would be sitting in her office, doing paperwork – he fervently hoped – but the other was still at large. Which was why Ibiki had bolted back to his apartment as fast as possible yesterday and barricaded himself in. Special Jounin or not, you didn't take unnecessary chances when there was the possibility of a Sannin out to get you.

"What are you doing, hanging around in the back alleys by yourself?" Gai inquired. "Shouldn't you be out there, pursuing the woman of your dreams?" Ibiki ground his teeth. Right now, all he wanted to do was to get back to the relative safety of his triple-barricaded, booby-trapped apartment. But a lack of foresight uncharacteristic of him had led to an empty kitchen, and so he had to risk this trip to get supplies for the next few days. Maybe the next few months. Or even a year. However long it took for Jiraiya's temper to cool off.

Ibiki realised that Gai was still waiting for his answer. "I'm just out to buy food. No women-chasing for me. That nonsense has caused me enough trouble already," he spat out. Gai raised the mountain of hair he had in place of an eyebrow. Apparently, he still didn't understand the deeper implications. "Do you have _any_ idea what will happen to me if Jiraiya-sama finds out that computer matched me with the Godaime?"

"Oh," Gai muttered. He looked sheepish for a second. "Well, um… how would he find out? Heh heh, heh heh…" His voice trailed off.

Ibiki smelled a rat.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" he roared, grabbing the green-clothed man by the collar again.

"Uh, well… I was so pleased that my efforts have helped you find such a prestigious match that I… um… I _may_ have mentioned it to my eternal rival Kakashi," Gai mumbled. Ibiki shook him harder. "And maybe a few other people… a dozen or so."

Snorting with disgust, Ibiki dumped the contrite man onto the alley floor. There was no helping it now. He was doomed. Whenever not on duty, the people of this village were notorious gossips. Maybe it was to make up for all the other secrets they were forced to keep. He wondered how long he had left to live. Not long, he was sure of it. What made it worse was that his death would never even be recorded. No monument for him, since he had died off-duty, probably in an "accident". At any moment now…

Another hand clamped onto his shoulder, and he stiffened.

"So, Ibiki… What's this I hear about you and Tsunade?" Jiraiya's voice inquired.

"It's all a big mistake," Ibiki said, and winced inwardly. Those were famous last words.

* * *

"You see, Ibiki? Nothing can stand in the way of true love!" Gai pronounced ecstatically. "Even Jiraiya-sama, the hidden romantic that he is, has volunteered to help you in your quest for true love – provided it is not Hokage-sama, of course." Ibiki heaved another sigh as Gai continued to prattle on. He still had mixed feelings over that encounter in the alleyway. On the one hand, he was profoundly grateful for the unexpected benefit of being able to keep his life, _and_ having a reason to avoid Hokage-sama. On the other hand, knowing Jiraiya-sama's reputation with women, he wasn't sure if he wanted the help. Then again, refusal would have been tantamount to suicide. When it came down to a matter of life or death, Ibiki found the choice pretty easy.

Which was why he was now heading towards the house of the second _kunoichi_ on the list that Izumo and Kotetsu had so graciously provided, accompanied by his self-appointed matchmaker. Kimawabe Aoi was supposed to be an 86 match for him. She was a newly-promoted Jounin, specializing in surgical extraction of information, had an excellent record, and was only about 2 years younger than him.

And she lived in a pretty, coral-pink house with lavender curtains, statuary, and a garden of flowers out in front.

Oh well. 86 was 86, after all. He couldn't expect her to share all of his tastes. Though he _did_ wonder how such a woman existed in a village full of hardened assassins. He and Gai walked up the main path to the front entrance, and knocked lightly on the door.

A beautiful woman opened it. She had large, pale-brown eyes, delicate features, and a wavy rope of blonde hair falling to her shoulders. Her poise and grace were remarkable, and an air of fine breeding surrounded her like a cloud. In fact, she matched his mental picture of the owner of this house perfectly.

"Yes?" she asked, in a smooth, cultured voice. Ibiki was struck slightly mute at the novelty of the situation, but started to recover, and was about to reply when a blond terror jumped the hedge surrounding the garden.

"Hey, Ibiki!" Naruto yelled. "Jiraiya sent me to find out what sort of woman you prefer. He said to give you a range of choices, so… here: Kage Bushin no Jutsu! Henge-no-Jutsu!" With that, the young ninja multiplied himself several times over, and then transformed into a dizzying variety of girls in all shapes and sizes.

An interesting thing to note was that they were all naked, and in provocative poses.

Several events happened at the same time. First, Gai keeled over from loss of blood. Second, Ibiki could feel his eyes widening beyond his control. Third, the lady of the house took one look at Naruto, sniffed in disgust, and slammed the door shut.

He should have just asked to be killed quickly back in the alley.


	7. Help From LEP

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, and he doesn't own me. Well, not that we ever fought, but still...

* * *

**Help From LEP**

After he had disposed of Naruto, Ibiki trudged on, muttering curses under his breath. Gai, with several tissues stuck up his nose, was walking alongside him, unusually silent. It was probably wooziness due to the massive haemorrhaging he had just experienced. It was already past noon, and the sun was blisteringly hot. Ibiki looked at the next address on the list.

Kamiashi Rin. High-level Chuunin, medical specialist. Liked slicing up people. Had an obsession with Chinese dragon mythology, though. An 80 match. She lived in a high-rise apartment complex, the highest room in the tallest tower. So Ibiki walked through the scorching deserted plaza, up through the freezing air-conditioned apartment staircase, fought through the series of dragon-shaped booby-traps, reached the highest room in the tallest tower, only to find…

Kakashi, the son of the White Fang of Konoha, reading his perverted book on the bed.

"Where's the _kunoichi_ who's supposed to own this apartment – Kamiashi Rin?" Ibiki demanded. Kakashi looked up from the page he was reading.

"Oh, you didn't know?" he inquired. "She's on her honeymoon. Just left today."

"WHAT!" Gai bounded in from the entrance. "Kakashi! My eternal rival! Why are you in this lady's apartment?"

Kakashi quirked a smile and a raised eyebrow, "I could ask you the same thing…" he murmured. "But anyway, she's one of my former teammates. Asked me to take care of the place while she was away." Ibiki groaned. This was getting more and more ridiculous. First, that matchmaker program had given him _Tsunade_ of all people, as his first match, and now, a newlywed. He was going to have serious words with the Admin-nin after this was all over.

* * *

Ibiki stared down at the last name on the list. This was it. His only hope left. If he did not manage to get a date with this _kunoichi_, he would either have to pursue Tsunade – which would get him killed by Jiraiya – or go after someone that the perverted Sannin and his cohorts had picked. He didn't know which was worse.

"Today, our competition shall be the race to find Mizushawa Seina!" Gai proclaimed. He and Kakashi had decided to tag along, since the masked Jounin said he needed to go over to Gai's house afterwards "to discuss something with Anko". Ibiki wasn't sure whether he wanted to know the details. He had enough trouble on his hands already.

"All right," Kakashi replied Gai lazily. "On the count of three: One, two, three." Gai took off like a shot into the distance, while the masked man just carried on walking normally. Ibiki shook his head at the foolishness of their antics and concentrated on figuring out a method of introducing himself that wouldn't scare her off. He only had one shot left at this – he had to get it right the first time.

Kakashi sidled up close to him. "You know," he murmured quietly. "I know a couple of methods that would make the first meeting go much easier."

Ibiki was intrigued. "Interesting," he rumbled. "What sort of techniques do you suggest?"

Kakashi tapped the Sharingan eye covered by his forehead protector and smirked. "All I need is one good look at her, and she'll be trapped in my genjutsu. And Sharingan-based genjutsu are a lot more difficult to get out of than regular ones. Want to make her believe she's about to take a shower in front of you? Or that she's loved you all her life, and can't wait to consummate the relationship?"

Ibiki scowled. "I don't like jokes like that, Hatake."

"Oh, it's no joke. I can prove it quite easily. Jiraiya-sama once told me about a time Uchiha Itachi managed to get him away from Naruto using a girl under genjutsu -"

"That's not what I meant," Ibiki cut him off sourly. "Just forget you ever mentioned it to me."

"As you wish," Kakashi smiled secretly under his mask. Baiting Ibiki was almost as fun as tricking Gai. The fact that he had been "ordered" by Jiraiya to help Ibiki as much as possible only added to the satisfaction he was feeling. He continued to enjoy the day as they strolled towards the apartment where Mizushiwa Seina stayed.

Gai was waiting for them at the entrance, panting slightly, but when they arrived he straightened and laughed loudly, pointing at Kakashi. "Ha! I beat you, my eternal rival! This makes it 502 to 500!"

"Whatever."

"Ugh, I hate you, Kakashi… you're so cool about this it really makes me mad!"

"Hmm… did you say something?"

"Both of you, cut it out," Ibiki's voice interrupted the oft-heard conversation. "Look, from now on, I don't want any _advice_," he shot a glare at Gai, before turning to Kakashi, "nor do I want extra _help_. I will handle this on my own. You two keep quiet at all times. That's an order."

"But –" Gai started to protest.

"No buts! I've already been made the laughing-stock of half the village. I don't need your antics to increase that number."

Gai subsided, and Kakashi just nodded indifferently. Ibiki strode down the corridor to the apartment door, braced himself, and then knocked.

A rather nondescript young woman opened the door – brown hair, pale brown eyes, regular features. She was a spy's dream come true – the ultimate unnoticed person in the background. "Yes?" she asked, in a soft voice.

Ibiki cleared his throat. "My name is Morino Ibiki. I know it's rather sudden, but…" he was interrupted by Gai tapping his shoulder. Ibiki shot Gai a glare that would have frozen a supernova. Completely unfazed by it, Gai pointed to where Konohamaru, the grandson of the Third Hokage, was climbing up the stairs with a number of scantily-dressed females.

"Hey Ibiki!" he waved. "Took me some time to find you, but what do you think of these girls, eh? Anyone of them interest you?" The girls around him all cooed and giggled, throwing kisses at Ibiki, or wrapping themselves around Konohamaru. Gai's eyes were bulging, and Kakashi was paying very close attention, for once.

Ibiki's ruminations on the probable fate of the young man before him – grandson to the Sandaime or not – were rudely interrupted by the soft closing and locking of the door of Seina's apartment.

"Wait, Seina-san!" he cried. "I can explain this!"

"No thank you," the answer came back firmly. "I saw the posters outside my apartment yesterday. You have some very interesting tastes, Morino Ibiki, but I'm afraid I don't share them."

No matter how much Ibiki continued to plead, or try to explain, she refused to open the door to him. Finally, he gave up and retreated down the stairwell, accompanied by Kakashi, Gai and Konohamaru – who had been given one of Gai's patented lectures on the vices of the shinobi. Even Ibiki couldn't come up with a punishment that would be more fitting for the young ninja, so he didn't bother. He took stock of his new situation, and realised something. Strangely, all the women had disappeared without Ibiki noticing.

"Where did all those women go?" he asked.

Konohamaru brightened, and then bit his thumb. "You want them back? I can get them back easily for you, watch: Kuchiyose-no-Jutsu!" With that, he ran his bloody thumb down a scroll and activated it. Instantly, the dozen scantily-clad ladies appeared in clouds of smoke. His chest puffed out proudly. "It took me two years to climb up to the most famous brothel in all the countries and get them to agree to the summoning. Behold the results!" He waved a hand lazily at the girls who were now busy cooing over him.

Ibiki couldn't believe his senses. _What sort of IDIOT develops a summoning technique for prostitutes?_


	8. Dog Gone Day

**Disclaimer: **Naruto and assorted characters in it - are not mine. Nor ever will be. Ever.

**Author's Note:** Sorry for taking so long to update... I've been working on some other stuff while pondering on which direction this story should go. I've finally decided, but things will start getting more serious now, focusing on the romantic side, rather than the comical aspect of the series. :-) Thank you for all the lovely reviews so far!

**

* * *

**

**Dog Gone Day**

Ibiki flung a kunai at the rustling in the bushes behind him without even looking back. He was gratified when the sound of a poof reached his ears. Another summoned animal had disappeared. Muttering to himself, he trudged on down the road. Kakashi was going to pay for this, one day.

Ever since his disastrous first meetings with the ladies on the Admin nin list, he decided he was better off avoiding the whole situation altogether and taking a break from the ridiculous matchmaking efforts of Gai, Jiraiya and company. He had submitted a request (via letter, not in person) to Hokage-sama for permission to leave the village and visit the Tea Country to see his brother – ostensibly to "discuss my courtship with my family". In reality, he just wanted to get away from the titters and glances being shot at him from the entire female population of Konoha as word of his misadventures began to spread.

Surprisingly, Tsunade-sama had granted his request – allowing him to stay as long as he wanted. He had packed immediately and set off, but what he _hadn't_ realised was that Kakashi had been assigned to tail him. Well, not until the first nin-dog accidentally wandered across his path, that is. Ibiki did _not_ appreciate being followed.

An interesting fact about summoned animals, he mused. Whenever they were exposed to serious danger – such as kunais being flung at them from an irate ANBU Torture and Interrogation Squad Captain – they would disappear in a puff of smoke.

The last few hours on the road had contributed greatly to the pollution of the air.

Growling with irritation, Ibiki retrieved the kunai he had thrown at the hapless dog and set off again. Kakashi was definitely going to pay for this, even though he may have been doing it under the Godaime's orders.

* * *

"Do we still have to do this, Kakashi?" Pakkun whined. He had had fifteen narrow escapes in the last two hours. The others had lost count. Kakashi bent down and bandaged the foot of Sumire, who hadn't managed to get away in time.

"All right, all right," he said. "We'll stop and leave Ibiki alone for now. I've had enough fun irritating him, anyway." His eyes crinkled in a smile. He watched the scarred shinobi twitch and send kunai flying at every rustle in the leaves. The six hours of continuous dog-harassment, at the end of nearly a week of terrible mishaps, seemed to have the man in a nervous wreck. _That should be enough punishment for setting up the marriage that has plagued my life_, he thought vindictively.

"Kakashi!" a muted boom came from behind him. Kakashi spun and drew his kunai out of reflex, but he had already recognised the voice. _Speak of the devil…_ Gai was trying to be inconspicuous in his green spandex outfit. The man's bushy eyebrows were drawn together in a frown of suspicion, though. "What exactly was that matter you wanted to discuss with my lovely wife? She has been doing some very odd things lately."

Oops. He should have told Anko to keep it a secret from Gai. Then again, knowing her personality, keeping _anything_ a secret was going to be a tough job, anyway. With a puff, all his summoned nin-dogs disappeared, leaving Kakashi alone with the green-clad man. _Traitors_.

"Err… heh heh, let's talk about it back in Konoha, Gai," Kakashi immediately took off without bothering to wait for the other to answer. Maybe he could still lose him…

"Aha! So you _were_ up to something, my eternal rival Kakashi! How could you get my adorable lovely wife to distract my concentration from our next contest?" Gai immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. "If I don't hunt you down, I will stand on my head for 2 whole days in Konoha's central square!"

With that, the two ninja streaked back towards the village, leaving the solitary figure of Morino Ibiki still flinging kunai at every bush that moved.

* * *

A distant bark came from behind the clump of trees to the west. Immediately, Ibiki threw a kunai at it, and waited for the puff of smoke to confirm a hit.

He waited.

And waited.

At last, he strode towards the trees, wondering how he could have missed the dog. As he drew nearer, he could hear the faint, highly-pitched whine of the dog. So he _hadn't_ missed after all. But still, all the nin-dog had to do was to just vanish and reappear at Kakashi to recover from its wounds. Unless…

Ibiki paused and looked down at the bleeding body of the German shepherd. Its' tongue was lolling out, and blood was spurting out from the wound from its chest, where his kunai was buried.

Unless it was a _real_ dog, of course.

"Kaganu!" a soft, feminine voice could be heard calling out among the trees. "Where did you go, Kaganu? Come back here right now, you disobedient dog!"

This was bad.

Ibiki sighed and picked up the dying dog. He didn't like it, but he had no choice. She deserved an explanation, at least. As he walked towards the sound of the voice, the dog gave a final heaving gasp, and died in his arms.

The day was going splendidly.

"Kaganu! Come back here! Please?" the woman's voice was trembling between a need to project authority, and a hidden fear underneath it all. Ibiki's ear automatically detected people's emotions, from the mere sound of their voices. He brushed through the last of the undergrowth and entered the clearing where the voice came from.

A petite brunette was standing uncertainly in the clearing, her back turned towards him. From his vantage point, he could see that she had a slim, but shapely figure, which was covered by a peach-coloured yukata. Apparently, she liked traditional wear a lot. Her hair fell in smooth waves down to the middle of her back. A strange metallic contraption was held in her left hand, with what appeared to be a broken dog's collar attached to the end of it.

"Kaganu!" she called out once again. Ibiki cleared his throat as he approached her, and she spun around, emitting a soft "Eek!" She had delicate features to match her petite appearance, and large, honey-brown eyes that seemed to wander all over the area.

"Excuse me, miss," he rumbled. "I'm afraid there has been an accident." He looked down at the blood-covered mutt in his arms.

Her eyes closed, and she took a few hesitant steps forward. "Ano… What kind of accident?" she asked.

Ibiki looked at her uncertainly… "Isn't it obvious?" he asked, as he finally reached her. It came out slightly harsher than he intended.

She reddened at the sound of his voice and stopped. Her wide brown eyes opened again and stared in his general direction, but started to wander around. "Um… I'm sorry to have caused you any trouble. Kaganu was my Seeing-Eye Dog. You see, I'm blind."

The full realisation of what he had done hit Ibiki.


	9. Shut Up Idate

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, or Ibiki, or Idate. I own Rei, though.

* * *

**Shut Up Idate**

"I see," said the Boss. Ibiki knelt down in apology in front of the noble old man, who was frowning slightly. "You are fortunate in that Kaganu was a recent acquirement, so Rei hadn't yet formed much of an attachment to him. I will overlook this incident."

"Thank you, Oyabun," Ibiki replied. He glanced to the side, where the blind girl was sitting. After the dog's burial, he had offered to guide her to her destination, and found out that she served Boss Jirocho. That fortunate coincidence had allowed them to travel the rest of the way together to see the Boss of Ibiki's brother. Idate himself was now standing in attendance behind the Boss.

"Now, as to business," the Boss went on. He gestured at the young man behind him. "I had originally hired Rei to instruct Idate in matters of diplomacy, as I am training him to be my successor."

"I am honoured, Oyabun!" Idate interjected. "I will strive to fulfil your utmost request for me! I will lead the organisation to a new era of…"

"Shut up, Idate," the Boss tossed across his shoulder, before continuing to address Ibiki. "As you can see, he has trouble knowing when and where to speak. This will be a hindrance to him, so I hired a professional diplomatic advisor to teach him propriety. But, since you just killed her dog, she is now hampered in her movements and in performing her duties."

Ibiki winced inwardly.

"Nevertheless, as a guest in my household, and since you came to visit your brother, who should be seeing Rei a lot, I hereby charge you to accompany Rei as her guide and eyes until we acquire another trained dog." Boss Jirocho leaned back with a satisfied smile. "That should at least solve our immediate problems, and kill quite a few birds with one stone."

"Are you sure, Oyabun?" Idate asked. "With all due respect for my brother, Rei-san is a delicate woman and I'm not sure if having a foreign ninja to be so close to…"

"Shut up, Idate." This time, Rei's soft voice joined the Boss. The young man shut up. _Well, at least he obeys orders now,_ Ibiki thought, remembering a certain fiery incident in the boy's past.

Boss Jirocho frowned. "Nevertheless, the boy is right. I trust that there will not be any… improprieties… while Rei in your care, Morino-san."

Ibiki stood to attention. "You have my word as a Konoha shinobi, Oyabun."

Idate snorted, but the Boss nodded. "That's good enough for me. You are dismissed. Return Rei-san to her quarters, please. We will be having dinner with one of the outlying plantation owners in a few hours. Rei, Idate, you are both required to be there. Morino-san, you are most welcome to join us."

"Thank you for your generosity, Oyabun." Ibiki saluted, then went over to Rei and gently stood at her side. She smiled up at him. He found himself returning her smile, even though he knew she couldn't see it.

"Please take care of me, Morino-san," she said softly, and put her hand in his. Slowly, he led her back to her rooms, then went to his quarters to unpack. The next few weeks were going to be more interesting than he had anticipated.

* * *

Dinner was a surprise. Ibiki and Rei sat flanking the young Idate, near the middle of the table. At the head, the Boss and the plantation owner sat discussing politics and policies, negotiating for trade deals. The trio listened in to their conversation, and Rei instructed the young man in the nuances of the negotiations going on. Ibiki was impressed by Rei's intuition and knowledge of the motives and attitudes of the people around her, especially when she was hampered by the lack of visual clues. It almost rivalled his own ability to read other people – and _he_ wasn't blind. 

Information-gathering theory held that 70 percent of a person's mental attitude was communicated through non-verbal clues like body language and tone of voice. As Rei could not see the body language of the people, it meant that she was basing her analysis on the 30 of information that she could pick up, and the tone of voice alone. And yet, her readings of people were as accurate as Ibiki's own. It was stunning. No wonder the Oyabun had hired her to be a diplomatic advisor. She was a genius in her own right.

Ibiki listened to her whispered commentary to his younger brother, as she taught him how to read the person's tone of voice and what method would be best to follow under those circumstances, occasionally interjecting his own comments, based on visual clues, in order to give Idate a more rounded perspective. Idate glowered at him, but Rei seemed happy to have Ibiki's insights added to the conversation. It made her job much easier, after all. So the two of them continued eating and commenting merrily on the people around them, while the sullen young man in between them picked at his food and tried to absorb all that they were teaching him.

Dinner passed by in a flash.

After the guests had departed, the Boss called them all in for a meeting and asked Idate to present his own opinions on the matter. Idate gave a short, sharp report, which was half accurate, and half wild-conjecture. Ibiki sighed. The boy had a lot to learn, even though he would be a full-grown man fairly soon.

"Do not forget what your brother has pointed out, Idate-kun," Rei said, after he had finished. "How would that affect your view of the landlord's motive for acquiring the fifty-hectare field?"

"I suppose… it would mean that he was trying to outdo his neighbour in time for the yearly festival?" Idate ventured, rather quietly.

"Correct," the Oyabun said. Ibiki blinked. He had pointed that out to Idate numerous times in the conversation before. Why did it take such a long time for the young man to mention it? The Boss turned to Ibiki. "Well, Morino-san, it appears that you are quite adept at diplomacy as well."

Ibiki cleared his throat. "I serve… in a related field, Oyabun. Information-gathering and reading other people is one of my specialties, yes." For some strange reason, he was reluctant to mention his real job in front of these people. Only those in Konoha needed to know. And they were not from Konoha – not even his brother, now.

"I would also like to request that you help Rei in the instruction of your brother, then. Her comments indicate that you would be most helpful in that respect."

Ibiki bowed. "That would be an honor, Oyabun." Idate shot a glance at him, and it looked like he was about to say something again, but Rei quelled him.

"In that case, you are dismissed. Please guide Rei back to her quarters. Idate, stay a little longer."

Ibiki went over to the lady again, and took her hand in his. "Thank you for your assistance tonight, Morino-san," she said.

"It… ah, was my pleasure, Rei-san," he replied, gently guiding her out of the room.

* * *

When Ibiki returned to the room that he was sharing with his brother, Idate was already waiting for him. 

"Look, aniki," the young man burst out, as soon as Ibiki had closed the door. "What are your intentions towards Rei-san?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean – do you have any feelings for her?" the youth was rather passionate about this. It was only to be expected, after all. He was young, still full of life and vigour, not old and jaded like his brother. "Rei-san is a beautiful woman, and to think of someone like her and you…" He stopped as he realised he had crossed the line.

"Shut up, Idate," Ibiki growled, menacingly. The boy was feeling jealous, of course. He must be attracted to his young teacher.

"Well, _is_ there?"

"Of course not," Ibiki snorted as he changed into sleeping attire. "I am merely repaying a debt I owe to her for killing her dog, and for teaching you something useful in life."

"Hmph."

"Shut up and go to sleep, Idate."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Note that Idate and Boss Jirocho only appear in the anime, not in the Naruto manga. Apologies for taking such a long time to update. I have been spending the last few months reading TONS of romantic manga in order to prepare for writing romance (and the fact that I happen to like reading it). You'll see the fruits of my readings in the next chapter... Credit should really go to Mitsuru Adachi, though. His storytelling techniques for romantic comedies are superb. 


	10. Falling In Love

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, blah blah..

* * *

**Falling In Love**

"You will be… going back?" she asked, hesitantly.

"Yes," he replied. "My leave of absence ends in a few days' time. Next week, I will have to return to my duties." They were walking together along one of the town's quiet streets, hand-in-hand. He was taking her shopping for a particular item that she wanted to get. It had been surprisingly difficult to find a replacement for Kaganu, so Ibiki had continued to serve as a seeing guide for Rei. But today her steps were slow.

"And what are those duties, exactly?" she asked. Ibiki winced inwardly. He had avoided telling her this throughout the entire six weeks. A graceful and charming diplomat such as she was didn't need to know about the "alternative" methods of information-gathering. The harsh realities of torture and interrogation which formed the core of his daily life would be out-of-place in her refined, cultured world.

"I… serve as the leader of the Torture and Interrogation Squad in my village, Rei-san," he said with a heavy heart, prepared for the loosening of the small hand in his that would indicate shock and disgust. Instead, he found that hand gripping his even tighter.

"If you thought that would surprise me, Morino Ibiki, you're still not a very good reader of people yet," she said, with a glimmer of amusement in her voice. "I've known about what you do ever since we first met. I just wanted to find out if you could find it in yourself to tell me about it."

Ibiki had to admit that he was surprised. "How did you find out? No one outside of Konoha's villagers is supposed to know about my job. It compromises our security."

"You're right… no one outside of Konoha's villagers knows about it," she twinkled merrily. "What does _that_ mean, I wonder?"

"Are you a _kunoichi_ on a mission under deep cover?" Ibiki asked suspiciously. If she was, she was good. She had fooled him completely into thinking she was a harmless diplomat.

Rei gave a tinkly laugh. "No, no… I'm not a ninja. They wouldn't let me study in the Academy because of my eyes. I went through training in the Fire Country's diplomatic service instead. So I really am a diplomat. But I come from a shinobi family in Konoha. That's how I knew about you."

"I see," Ibiki mused. What she said had the ring of truth to it. Plus, she didn't have the brittle-hard killing aura that enveloped most ninja of her age. Ibiki could usually sense it, no matter how well it was hidden, but Rei completely lacked any experience in the art of warfare. Her hands were clean, unlike his.

"Then, Morino Ibiki, Head of ANBU's Torture and Interrogation Squad, will you be… glad… to get back to your duties?" Rei asked lightly. Ibiki thought he detected an undercurrent of something in her voice, but she was too skilled a diplomat to let him decipher what it was. He considered her question.

"No," he said, surprised. He had thought that coming here would have been boring and dull – just a way to escape from the madness that had enveloped him in Konoha – but instead he had found the last few weeks to have been the most enjoyable he had ever had. There was a sense of peace, of fulfilment, of contentment that he had found lacking in his previous life. In fact, he found himself dreading the return to Konoha. His hand would feel empty.

That realisation shocked Ibiki to the core. He knew what it was. He had always known, in some way. But a shinobi of his experience had many layers hidden in his personality, and he was able to avoid paying attention to those layers that were screaming out the cause of his reluctance to return. Until now.

"What is it?" Rei asked. Ibiki arose out of his reverie to find that he had stopped walking, and his grip on Rei's hand was painfully tight. He turned to look at her face. How could he not have realised sooner? Her eyes, large and brown, looked up with concern at him, even though they could not see. All he ever wanted – all the things he never knew he had wanted – were found in those eyes, and the soul behind them.

"I have justexperienced something that I never knew existed," he whispered, half to himself. But Rei's sensitive ears had picked up his words, and her expression had somehow changed. Ibiki, watching her face, could suddenly read the emotions that she had been so careful to hide behind her inscrutable diplomat's mask. And he understood.

"Rei," he said gently, covering her hand with his other. "There is a question I want to ask of you." His voice started to tremble for the first time in his life, and he knew that his own emotions were flowing out through it. All the better. "Can you hear it, Rei? Can you hear and understand the question I'm trying to ask you?"

Her ears, sharp as his own when it came to detecting the nuances of each person's tone of voice, grew slightly pink as she blushed. She half-turned away from him for a second, drawing her hand out of his grasp, and Ibiki knew what true fear meant. But then, her blushing features came back to face his, and her tiny hand crept into his open palms again.

"I gave my hand to you a long time ago, Morino Ibiki," she said simply.


	11. Meet The Family

**Disclaimer:** Naruto -own it I do not.

**Author's Notes:** For the reviewer who asked, the romantic manga that I've been reading lately have mostly been written by Mitsuru Adachi. Look for titles such as "Touch", "Rough", "H2", "Nine", "Miyuki", "Katsu!" and "Hiatari Ryoukou". Lovely stories, all of them, if you don't mind the artwork.

Apologies for cutting the development of the romance short in the last two chapters. To tell the truth, I'm getting a little tired of this tale, so I wanted to end it quickly. Perhaps one day, I'll write an "Omake" that is set between "Shut Up Idate" and "Falling in Love" to portray more of the romantic tension between Rei, Idateand Ibiki. This is the second last chapter, and it contains the last trick up my sleeve. Enjoy:-)

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**Meet the Family**

"I'm still unsure about this," Ibiki grumbled. He was guiding Rei, who had now linked her arm in his, along the road back to Konoha Village.

"Oh, don't be silly," she chided. "I had to take special leave from Jirocho-oyabun in order to bring you to meet my family. We need their permission, anyway, so you might as well put on a cheerful face."

"I don't _do_ cheerful faces," Ibiki growled. "Besides, how could you tell whether I was frowning or not?"

"It comes out in your voice," she smiled, and drew her arm tighter around his. Rei had been a lot more vocal and sunny-tempered ever since that conversation in the marketplace. It was as though she had let down all of the barriers she had built up over the course of her profession and allowed Ibiki to see her inner soul. Ibiki sometimes shuddered at the level of trust she was placing in him. It was not _good_ to be so open. She could get hurt so easily, by anyone who was callous enough to take advantage of that trust. _Of course_, he mused, _if anyone _did_ do something like that, I would find a suitable way to repay them quite easily._

That frightened him. Somehow, he had come to the point where he knew that he was no longer in control of his own destiny. It had, in some mysterious way, been transferred into the hands of the beautiful blind girl by his side. For Ibiki, who excelled in the precise control of every condition of the human mind and body, it was a scary thought to face. And yet…

"Smile for me, Ibiki," Rei's gentle voice interrupted his thoughts. "I need to hear you smile when we're together." Ibiki glanced down to see her unseeing face with a half-wistful expression looking up at him. "Smile, and chase our fears away."

He took a deep breath and let all his worries fade. That was another thing that amazed him about Rei. She always knew what he was thinking and feeling. As long as she could hear him or touch him, she was unerringly sensitive to his changes of mood. He had never come across a person like that. And never realised how much joy could come from just having someone who understood completely what he felt – even better than he did. That thought alone brought the desired smile to his face.

"You're right!" he said. "There's nothing to be afraid of. We'll meet your parents, get their permission, and then…" Ibiki trailed off, awed at his audacity in thinking of such a grand thing. It was fascinating how such a simple act as marriage looked so different from an insider's perspective. He had only seen it from the outside before, such as Gai and Anko's wedding.

"Actually," Rei hesitated. "We'll most likely have to ask my elder brother instead. My parents passed away about two years ago, so he's the head of the family now." There was an odd note in her voice that Ibiki picked up.

"Oh?" he inquired. "Do I know him?" They had almost arrived. He could see the gates of Konoha in the distance, and anticipation started to quicken his footsteps.

"You have met him," she said, teasingly. "In fact, he has quite a good opinion of you. He occasionally wrote me letters that mentioned you, but I wanted to surprise him, so I didn't mention your name to him yet. I only told him that I was bringing a man that I wanted to be with back to Konoha to meet him."

"And what did he say?" Ibiki felt a stab of nervousness. What if the brother disapproved of him? Professional admiration for a ninja's work – Ibiki _did_ admit that he was very very good – was one thing, but the qualities required for the husband of one's younger sister was another.

"He sounded very happy that I had met someone," she smiled. "It looks like he's so looking forward to meeting you that he said he would be waiting at the gates to greet us."

Ibiki looked at the entrance to Konoha, and the small group of figures waiting there. One was jumping up and down in excitement as he spotted them. He was clad all in green.

"Rei! Welcome home!" Maito Gai's voice boomed out across the intervening distance.

Ibiki's stunned brain tried to comprehend the situation as Rei's free hand waved in the direction of Gai's voice. "Onii-san! I'm back, and I've brought him!"

Ibiki viewed the rapid approach of his prospective brother-in-law in a horrified stupor.

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Gai looked grim and folded his arms. "Morino-san. You realise that you are asking for my permission to court the most precious flower of my family," he stated. They were all gathered together in the family room, with Gai seated at the head of the table and Ibiki and Rei kneeling in front of him.

"Yes, Maito-san," Ibiki gritted his teeth and replied formally. "As head of the household, we ask for your permission and your blessing." Rei laid an arm on his slowly-clenching fist and turned a smile to her brother.

"Onii-san, you always told me about how wonderful it was to have Anko-san as your wife, and how grateful you were to Ibiki-kun," she reminded him. "I just happened to see how good a man he was for myself. Won't you let us be together?"

Gai looked pained. "Rei, you know what Ibiki does for a living. Our parents, if they were still with us, would not be happy about it."

"Onii-san, that's not fair!" Rei protested. "Father and Mother were both ninjas, and onii-san and Anko-san are too. Why not Ibiki?"

"It's not that, Rei," Gai sighed. "Being a shinobi is part of one's duty to the village, and it is a glorious thing! But Ibiki also has to inflict a lot more pain on others, because of his role as Torture and Interrogation Captain. I don't know how that will affect his mind, and you are the most precious thing in our family. I don't know if I can allow you to put yourself at risk like that."

"Look here, Maito –" Ibiki began, but was cut off by a small nudge in the ribs. He sighed. "You're right. It is dangerous for me. That's why I need Rei. She keeps me sane, in ways that I never knew."

"Oh, that's so sweet…" Anko and Lee both exclaimed simultaneously, tearing up. Gai's rounded eyes were glistening too.

"And you _did_ say that you will help me find a match," Ibiki pressed the attack. Gai looked uncertain. "It just happens that the one I want is Rei." Rei's smile was soft as she drew closer to his side.

"But- But, Rei… our precious family flower Rei… my dear sister," Gai spluttered, half-torn between the desire to let Love Have Its Course and his familial obligations. He wavered for a while, then straightened up. "All right, yosh! I will allow it under one condition, Morino Ibiki! You must promise me, with all of your life, that you will take care of Rei and never hurt her!"

Ibiki was startled. _Does that mean that I have to-_. Rei nudged him again. "Do it," she whispered. Ibiki fumed inwardly, but he had no choice.

Slowly, his hand went up, thumb pointing upwards.

Slowly, his mouth opened, in a rather vicious smile. His teeth caught the sunlight.

"It's the promise of a lifetime!" Ibiki announced.


	12. So They Said Redux

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. Kishimoto does.

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**So They Said – Redux**

What a cute couple, they said. They were perfect for each other, they said. It was a match made in Heaven, they said. _It may have been made in Heaven, but it's Hell on earth for me_.

Kakashi sprinted for his favourite back alley hiding spot, his pursuers following closely after him. He had been running for nearly two hours now.

Suddenly, two figures loomed out of the darkness in front of him.

"What's the matter, Kakashi?" Ibiki drawled. "Running away from the consequences?" Rei stifled a giggle next to him. Ibiki raised a hand towards the pursuing figures in the distance. "He's over here!" he shouted.

Kakashi bit back a curse and rapidly retreated, heading out into the open. Behind him, Ibiki joined in the pursuit, carrying his wife on his back. _What makes it worse is that it really _IS_ my fault_, the copy ninja told himself. _That's why that sadist is getting so much fun out of this!_

Of course, they just had to drag him to the wedding. They even sent _Gai_, of all people, to persuade him. Kakashi couldn't hold out long against that green mountain of energy. But what made it worse were the results from that marriage. Kakashi sent a glance back at the two – now four – figures pursuing him. They were catching up.

He burst out into an open clearing and found a horde of green-clad ninja practising. Fuzzy-eyebrows turned to face him.

"My eternal rival! You cannot escape your destiny!" Gai proclaimed. "You will have to face them sooner or later!" Kakashi ran for dear life, with the whole Maito clan after him. Of course, once Ibiki had entered the family, he had weaselled the information out of Gai's far-too-open mouth and found out who came up with the idea of matchmaking him in the first place.

This was his revenge.

Of course, it had been fun while it lasted. Kakashi still kept copies of the posters they had initially put up, and Ibiki was still twitchy whenever one of his nin-dogs appeared close. And Jiraiya-sama's face when he heard the news had been priceless. But that was about all the fun he had managed to extract out of the situation. Now another face was about to be shown.

Kakashi was getting tired. He decided to stop and just face the pursuers. Better get it over with, and then hopefully get out alive. That's what his former students used to tell him.

He sighed.

"Tsunade!" Jiraiya's bellow could be heard. "Stop right now! Kakashi, I'm going to kill you!"

"Hai, hai!" Tsunade yelled back as she came to a halt in front of Kakashi. The rest of the group tumbled one-by-one into the clearing. "Well now, Kakashi," she smirked. "What do you think of my idea?"

Jiraiya was the last to arrive. "Stop! I forbid it!" he cried. Tsunade turned on him in a fury.

"You're too old for me, baka! Besides, Tsunade-hime needs a younger man, and Kakashi is way less perverted than you are."

"Are you kidding? He runs the Konoha branch of the League! He's _at least_ as perverted as I am!"

"What League are you talking about?" Tsunade asked suspiciously. Jiraiya faltered, and started to step back.

"Uh… nothing. Forget about that."

"Jiraiya…" The Hokage started to stalk the hermit, eyebrows narrowed dangerously. Kakashi sighed. All he had ever wanted was some peace and quiet. Now he had two Sannins after him - one to offer him death and the other a fate worse than death.

Gai, Ibiki and the rest of their family were busy trying to stifle their laughter in the sidelines. Kakashi shot them an irritated glance. Ibiki _did _look a lot happier and well-balanced nowadays, with Rei by his side, but still...

"Anyway, Kakashi," Tsunade interrupted his thoughts. Kakashi turned back to find the bruised and battered body of the Frog Hermit buried in a tree nearby. The Hokage was smiling sweetly – some would say threateningly – at him. "Thanks to the fuss stirred up over your efforts to find Ibiki a wife, I was beginning to feel lonely again. And you seem like such a nice young boy. Your father was pretty handsome, too, under that mask. What do you say?"

Kakashi sighed again. Well, he couldn't be in a _worse_ situation than he was in now. And he didn't want to leave the village. Besides, the whole marriage idea was supposed to make your life better and bring you lots of happiness, anyway.

Or so they said.

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**Author's Notes:** Well, it's finally over. :-) I'd like to thank all of my reviewers - especially those that wrote long reviews, and those that reviewed consistently. It has been your words that have driven me to write some more. In fact, it was my very first reviewer, hujin, that prompted me to even push this idea. Originally, "So They Said" was supposed to be a collection of unrelated comedic one-shots. The gags I had in mind were the Gai/Anko pairing, the Hyuuga Hands of Happiness, and Konohamaru's induction into the League. I never meant for Morino Ibiki to come into the picture at all.

But because of all the Ibiki/Anko pairings that I've seen floating around, I decided to insert that final line explaining who set up the blind date, at the very last minute before submitting my story. Who knew that that idea would become the central theme for So They Said? It was hujin's curiosity to find out how Kakashi would have his revenge that prompted me to write about the banners, and then Tsunade came out of nowhere, and the gags just started flowing in, one by one. Once Gai and family got involved, I already knew what the ending was going to be like - but it was getting there that was the trouble.

Finally, at the end of it all, I can breathe a sigh of relief. My first multi-chaptered fic, created by accident, is finished.

(If anyone wants to write a "So They Said 2" about Kakashi, let me know. ;-P)


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